


No Right To Love You

by Julovesyunhwa



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Abusive Parents, Angst, Breakup, Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, First Love, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Post-Break Up, Relationship(s), Soft Kim Hongjoong, Soft Park Seonghwa, alternative universe, mention of injury, seongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27351097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julovesyunhwa/pseuds/Julovesyunhwa
Summary: Hongjoong managed to fake the image that he moved on.He managed to keep that facade just by smiling in the pictures he sent his parents once in a while. He attended his classes, he talked with friends and he even went out to go to parties with them.But as soon as he was alone his smile dropped. He never really left his bed and he didn't talk to anyone as long as it would be seen as normal. He figured out which kind of excuses would work for his parents and which for his friends. They all believed him.This did not change for months. And his friends and family still believed him. He managed to be more and more professional with his fake smile and excuses. No one even asked Hongjoong anymore about him like they did at the beginning. They thought he was over him. But he wasn’t.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 4
Kudos: 78





	No Right To Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This Story was inspired by the Song "No Right To Love You" by Rhys Lewis.  
> If you don't know this song I recommend to listen to it.

It’s been weeks since the last time he saw him. And it’s been months since the last time they spoke with each other.  
Hongjoong sat in the middle of the living room of his new apartment. The walls were still a little wet from the paint and mostly all of his belongings were still neatly packed in moving boxes. His parents helped him to get these boxes to the apartment but as soon as everything was inside they said their goodbyes and left.  
Now the red haired sat in the nearly empty room. His eyes focussed on the sunset outside which made everything seem like it turned to gold. His ears listened carefully to the clock ticking peacefully. His brain replayed the day everything went downhill.  
_“I’m sorry”_ , these were his last words before he closed the door. Tears ran down his face. He never thought his heart could get broken like this within just a couple of seconds.  
Again he could feel the tears running down his cheeks. They just don’t stop.  
He feels them making their way down to his chin, sometimes he feels one of them falling down on his hands. He even sees them when they made their way down to the pages of the book he was reading or the essay he was writing.  
He sees them. He feels them. But there are no emotions left.  
That's what he wanted to believe at least.  
He felt empty but for some reason the tears never stopped.  
He knew it was time to do something. He had to at least open the box with the bed sheets so he could go to bed.  
The red haired stood up and walked to the box with the words “bedroom” written on it. His movements looked mechanical. It seemed like he was a zombie and that’s how Hongjoong felt.  
Since he had closed the door his movements weren’t as fluid and smooth as they were before.  
It is as if he lost all of this as soon as the door was closed behind him.

* * *

Weeks passed by and Hongjoong finally put together all his furniture, he emptied the boxes and even started to decorate the apartment with some small bits here and there. You could think the person living there was happy because that’s how everything looked.  
Hongjoong managed to fake the image that he moved on. He managed to keep that facade just by smiling in the pictures he sent his parents once in a while. He attended his classes, he talked with friends and he even went out to go to parties with them.  
But as soon as he was alone his smile dropped. He never really left his bed and he didn't talk to anyone as long as it would be seen as normal. He figured out which kind of excuses would work for his parents and which for his friends. They all believed him.

This did not change for months. And his friends and family still believed him. He managed to be more and more professional with his fake smile and excuses. No one even asked Hongjoong anymore about him like they did at the beginning. They thought he was over him. But he wasn’t.

It was a sunny day outside, the first after weeks of grey rainy ones. Hongjoong stood on his balcony with a cup of coffee in his hands.  
It was the first day of the spring break and the six months mark of their breakup. The vibration of his phone made him snap out of his thoughts. He grabbed the phone from the little table next to him and unlocked it to read the message he just got. It was an email from his professor. Nothing important. The red haired put his phone back on the table and with his coffee he leaned forwards on the handrail of his balcony.  
He started to watch the people walking down the street.  
They all looked peaceful and happy from above but Hongjoong knew this was never the truth. He knew how easy it was to just see the surface and think everything is good.  
He was the perfect example.  
_He never just looked at the surface._  
This sudden thought brought him back. This weird emptiness was again filling up his body. The red haired went back inside, leaving the sunshine and singing birds outside.

 _How long could he live like this?_  
He put his now empty cup into the sink and walked back into his bedroom. It was dark in the room. He never really opened the curtains, just occasionally when his room really needed to get some fresh air. His mother would have scolded him for that but since he cut the contact with his parents a month ago it didn’t even matter anymore.  
_I should have done this way earlier._ That’s what he thought as soon as the message was sent. But it was too late. All the things he had done six months ago wont get undone just by this one message.  
He knew his mistakes would always be there. They will always be his past.  
_But mistakes can be forgiven right?_  
And for that he must gain his trust again. He must apologize and show him that he was ready to fight for him.

It was like he woke up from a bad dream that lasted for too long. Hongjoong sat in his bed and he suddenly knew that he had to change something.  
And that’s what he did.  
The red haired got out of his bed. He opened the curtains and the window. The bright rays of sunshine found their way into the room and everything already looked way happier.  
Hongjoong removed the old bed sheets. He even cleaned his desk and wiped off the dust in his bookshelf. It took him twenty minutes until his room was clean again. He had put on new bed sheets and put all the laundry into the washing machine.  
The new found energy made him feel motivated to do a lot more.  
He was motivated to go outside and finally get some fresh vegetables and fruits from this daily market down the streets. He changed into some comfortable but still decent looking clothes and grabbed the bag that he once bought just for this.

Now Hongjoong was part of the people walking down the streets and what seemed to be just the facade was in reality more than that.  
The people who walked by seemed to be happy for real. A couple walked past him holding the hands of their child which was walking between them. Two tall men were arguing about which genre of movies was better but there was no anger or any bad emotion in their voices.  
Hongjoong found himself smiling but this time his smile was real.

It didn’t take him long to reach the market and soon he was just strolling through the different little booths with fresh and seasonal goods. Slowly his bag was filled with a rich assortment of fresh fruits and vegetables. He even got some high quality meat for an affordable price. All in all the red haired was satisfied with everything he got.  
After an hour he decided to go back home and on his way he saw this cute looking cafe. _He would definitely love this._ He thought and for the first time a thought like this made him smile a little. The cafe wasn’t filled with a lot of people just a few sat at the tables, some in groups talking, some alone reading a book or typing something on their laptop in front of them while listening to the soft music that was played in the background. He knew as soon as he managed to make it better Hongjoong would take him here and they both will spend a lot of time talking and drinking one of the sweet smelling drinks.  
He just ordered himself a classic caramel latte and left the cafe right after he received his order. But the warm feeling of this possible new location for their weekly dates didn’t leave him until he arrived at his apartment.  
Hongjoong put away all his freshly bought things and still with his coffee in his hand he went back on the small balcony.

 _Soon you will be mine again_. The red haired watched the sun which was now starting to sink. The sun sets behind the buildings in the most beautiful colours which left a golden glace on everything around him. He always loved to watch the sunset. _I promise we will watch these beautiful moments together again._

* * *

A few days had already passed and Hongjoong was finally living his life again. He was happy again even though he knew this one part is still missing. But he knew he couldn’t get this part back as long as he hadn't changed what made it all go down months ago.

Hongjoong was currently planting some herbs and basic vegetables on his little balcony when his phone rang. He took off the dirty gardening gloves and looked at the display which showed the caller ID. _This is a dream right?_ Hongjoong rolled with his eyes. He just didn’t need this right now and that's why he put the gloves back on and just ignored the phone until it stopped. He cut the contact to his parents for a reason so why are they still trying to call him.  
His balcony was now more like a relaxing area with a lot of plants, a comfortable bench with lots of pillows, fairy lights which are charged by the sun and start to light up as soon as it gets darker and a little glas table. Satisfied with today's work Hongjoong sat down. It was always his dream to have a small garden and one day he wants to have a house with an even bigger garden and if his money would allow him he wanted to have a winter garden too. So he could enjoy the beauty of nature the whole year.

* * *

Hongjoong worked on his life for weeks. He got in contact with his old friends again, went to his classes and even had little dinner and game nights with his friends at his apartment. Everything started to become perfect. But still this one part was missing. And now it was time to get this missing piece back.  
It was a beautiful warm evening when he decided to call him.

…

“Hello”, the voice on the other side made the butterflies in Hongjoongs go wild. It was the first time after nine months that he heard his voice. “Seonghwa? It’s me. I...I-please don’t end the call”, Hongjoongs voice was nothing more than a whisper. The butterflies that make his body tingle didn’t cover the fact that he was the one who made the mistakes. They didn’t cover how scared he was. The other was quiet but he didn’t end the call. It seemed like he was waiting. “I-I won’t say sorry now. Urgh no wait this came out wrong. Listen. Seonghwa”, Hongjoong tried to find the right words. “I want to meet you again….uhm well I was hoping we could meet and...and talk because I need to apologize”, it was out. The thing he wanted to do for days was finally said. “Can we meet? I found this beautiful little cafe and the moment I saw it I thought about you and how much you might like it.”  
Silence.  
“I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to”, Hongjoong continued his rambling. “I want to”, finally an answer. Apparently, hongjoong held his breath because as soon as he got the answer he let out his breath again and a smile formed on his face. “I’ll send you the address. Can we meet tomorrow at 3pm?”, he asked in a hearable more excited voice. “Yes that would be great”, Seonghwa said and Hongjoong could hear from his voice that the older was smiling too. “Alright see you tomorrow. Goodnight Seonghwa”, Hongjoong said now again his voice was a whisper. “Sleep well Joongie”, the other said his goodbye before he ended the call. _Joongie_. He hasn’t heard this nickname for what he thought were ages and now to hear it again. To hear him saying it again just made him feel like he was the happiest man in the world. His smile was as big as it never had been since the day he had closed the door.

Hongjoong sat on the comfortable sofa and watched the sunset. The darkness slowly made its way over the sky but there was no hint of sadness this time. Today Hongjoong felt all warm inside as he watched his fairy lights light up and illuminate his small paradise with their warm yellow light.  
At this moment Hongjoong didn’t feel as nervous as he felt during the call. He was calm.  
It was the same feeling Seonghwa made him feel every time they sat together in his room. H _ongjoongs head on Seonghwas lap while the latter played with his hair. They would watch a movie and just talk a little now and then. Seonghwa would massage his scalp until the smaller boy falls asleep._  
_Seonghwa knew that this was the only time Hongjoong could feel comfortable. In these moments he was his true self. Hongjoong allowed himself to be calm and not feared to get caught by someone. Especially by his parents._

The memories of these moments made Hongjoong smile at the stars.  
One after the other slowly showed up at the night Sky. He watched them glowing and soon his eyelids started to flutter. He felt the tiredness growing in his body and decided to leave his little paradise and made his way inside.  
The red haired got ready for bed and as soon as he got himself comfortable he fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning the sun woke him up and he felt just great. His sleep wasn’t disturbed by some awful nightmares or him waking up at the weirdest times. He felt well rested and just like a new person.  
With a newly found lightness he walked through his apartment. Hongjoong did his quick morning routine and changed into his best fit. He chose classic long sleeved silver-white button up shirt and some black trousers. Later he would top everything with some accessories like the matching silver-white choker, his favorite black boots and one of his self designed jackets.  
After that he walked to his small kitchen and made himself a small breakfast consisting of two slices of the fresh bread he bought with cream cheese and a few of his own tomatoes. He seasoned it with a little salt, pepper and some basil leaves before he made himself a coffee. With the plate and the cup in his hand he stepped out onto his balcony. It became his safe space over the last few weeks. Every morning and evening he would just sit on the bench and enjoy the view while eating breakfast, working on his projects or just listening to some music.  
It was still early in the morning and Hongjoong had like eight hours to fill until he would meet him at the cafe. And if he was honest he had no idea what to do during this time.

He ended up deep cleaning the apartment, visiting the market to get some more things he ran out of and lastly he finished up his makeup. He still had an hour and thirty minutes until he would have to leave. He now sat on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. The ticking of the clock just highlighted how nervous he was. He hadn’t seen him for nine months and yesterday they just talked for the first time. And he couldn't even consider it a real conversation since he was the one who had mainly said a word. But for a reason Seonghwa did agree to his invitation.  
As he sat there recalling the moment of confidence he had yesterday the little butterflies came alive again. They made his body tingle again in excitement. “After today Park Seonghwa, you will be mine again”, the red haired said and smiled.  
He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly didn’t notice his phone ringing. He grabbed it from the coffee table in front of him and without looking at who was calling he answered.

“Hello?”, he asked. “Oh...uhm Hi Joongie it’s me...so you haven’t answered my messages so I wanted to call you” Hongjoong let out a confused “huh?” and before he could look at what messages he missed Seonghwa continued to talk. “Yeah I wanted to ask what the address of the cafe you mentioned is and if I should maybe pick you up? I mean just if you want to, it looks like it’s about to start raining any minute and I just guessed you might still don’t have a car and-” now it was Seonghwa who was rambling without taking a breath. “Yes that would be nice”, Hongjoong said and after he let out a small chuckle he told him his address. “Alright...uhm I guess you want to get ready now so I will not disturb you anymore”, the other said and was about to end the call. “Ah no...actually I am ready since some hours now and just waiting for the time to pass”, Hongjoong confessed. “Really?”, Seonghwa sounded somehow relieved. “Me too...so I just need about ten minutes...should I just pick you up earlier?”, Seonghwa suggested and Hongjoong gladly agreed.

* * *

They both sat now at a small table next to one of the big windows. Seonghwa was right a few minutes before he picked Hongjoong up it started to rain and now heavy raindrops made their way down the windows. The atmosphere in the cafe was beautiful, slow piano music played in the background and just everything felt calm and comfortable. “I love this place”, Seonghwa said and Hongjoong couldn’t hide his smile. I know.  
They had a little small talk while waiting for their order to arrive and it didn’t feel too weird. Of course there was this tension between them. Of course Hongjoong knew that Seonghwa was waiting for him to finally speak but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. As always Seonghwa didn’t pressure Hongjoong. He waited patiently for the other to get ready.

Finally their drinks and cakes arrived and the waitress wished them a nice stay.  
Seonghwa was stirring his matcha latte and as soon as he looked up their eyes met. “I broke off the contact with my parents”, Hongjoong said.  
As soon as he mentioned his parents the memories of the past years came back. Hongjoong was fifteen when he told them.

_..._

_“Mom, Dad I need to tell you something”, Hongjoong said. He laid down the knife and fork in his hands and started to fiddle with his fingers. He looked down at his plate. And tried to gather his confidence. “What is it sweetheart?”, his mother asked. She reached out and put her hands on top of Hongjoongs to calm him._  
_He took a deep breath and finally looked up. He looked at his parents who waited for him to talk. Both with a kind smile on their face. “I am gay”, he just said. He felt relieved and a smile grew on his face. He suddenly felt lighter. The weight on his shoulder he had to carry for two years was now gone. It disappeared. “I also have a boyfriend. You know him, it's Seo-“, but he was stopped by a sharp pain on his left cheek._  
_He was shocked and didn’t understand what just happened but as soon as he saw his father's face he put one and one together. His mother was just crying and the weight on Hongjoongs shoulders came back and they were even heavier than before._  
_His parents left the dining room and Hongjoong was alone._  
_He didn’t dare to stand up right now. He didn’t dare to move even an inch. He just sat there, his plate with the leftover dinner in front of him._  
_He sat at the table for an hour. Listening to his parents in the living room. His mom was sure he would just need to see a therapist and everything will be normal again._  
_His father had a different opinion. “He needs to get punished. He will learn this on its own as soon as he understood what consequences this kind of nonsense bring”_  
And that was the beginning of the end.

Seonghwa was looking at him. Hongjoong knew this expression too well. He always had looked like this when he opened the door in the middle of the night. He looked at Hongjoong full of sadness, worry and a hint of anger. Seonghwa hated Hongjoongs parents. He wanted to fight them; to tell them that they are the wrong ones and not Hongjoong. But Hongjoong always told him that everything will be okay soon. He told him that everything will end someday and that they will finally realise that they can’t change him.

_Seonghwa pulled his friend by his sleeves and led him to his bedroom. The familiar scent of vanilla filled up Hongjoongs nose as soon as they entered the room. Seonghwa put him on the sofa and left the room to get the first aid kid._

_It depended on how Hongjoong felt on this day. Sometimes he was too scared to show his friend what his father did to him. Hongjoong felt ashamed and weak that he wasn’t able to stop his father. He was ashamed that he would just let it happen and never said a word. Hongjoong just stopped his movements and without talking he would beg him to not continue. And Seonghwa always listened to him. On these days he would put the first aid kit away and just take him into his arms. He would heal his mental bruises by being there for him._  
_But he would also take care of his physical bruises. On days that Hongjoong didn’t feel too bad and on days that just were too hard so that he couldn’t even move anymore because of the pain he would just let it happen. He would let Seonghwa pull off the hoodie or shirt he was wearing so that all his bruises would be visible for the other. Seonghwa never said a word while taking care of the purple marks or cuts and sometimes even burns._  
_He always waited until he was done and Hongjoong was covered up and wrapped up into blankets. Usually Hongjoong would talk sooner or later about what happened. Sometimes when his mental state allowed him he would open up after he was tucked in, feeling Seonghwas warm body next to him. Most of the time he would stay silent that day and the earliest he would speak about it was at least when the bruises started to heal. He usually would sit in front of Seonghwa, his upper body not covered in clothes or just his sleeves rolled up while the latter would inspect the now greenish yellow spots and crusted cuts. “Does this still hurt?”, Seonghwa asked and Hongjoong shook his head. “No it’s alright” He didn’t dare to lie at Seonghwa. In fact he was telling the truth the physical injuries didn’t hurt anymore it was the mental abuse that nearly killed him._

_..._

Seonghwa just nodded and Hongjoong continued to speak. “I know I have no right to say this but I love you Seonghwa. I never stopped loving you and I was stupid. I am sorry that I did this. I can’t even blame my parents for what I did. As much as I want to. As much as I just want to say it was their fault, they made me do this. I can’t. I can’t say this because I was the one who listened to them. I closed the door in front of you. It was not my mother, it was not my father. I was the person who ruined this. I have in no way a right to say that I missed you because it was me who didn’t want to continue. And I definitely have no right to say that I need you because I definitely knew what I would lose”, Hongjoong never broke eye contact during his little speech. “I am sorry Seonghwa and I can understand if you don’t want to accept my apology. I can understand if you want to leave and never talk to me again. It is my fault so I have to live with the mistakes I made. I can’t force you to do something. I can’t force you to forgive me. All I wanna say is that I am truly sorry and I just want to make it up to you somehow. I want to show you what I learned. I want to gain your trust again. Because I still love you and I know I will never stop.”  
Seonghwa remained silent. He just listened and nodded sometimes during Hongjoongs talking. The red haired didn’t know what was going on in Seonghwas head. For the first time couldn’t read his thoughts.  
“I never stopped loving you too”, Seonghwa said after a while and the red haired led out the breath he was holding. _That’s a start right. He still loves me._  
“I will not say that I can forgive you easily and as you said it wasn't your parents who cut me out of your life. It was you who closed the door in front of me. And it was you who decided to not come with me and leave your parents. It was your decision. But I also know that I shouldn’t have forced you. I shouldn’t have pressured you to run away with me”, Seonghwa said and his mouth formed a crooked smile.  
“We both made mistakes that made this situation become this worse and I want to ask for your understanding that I was in no way aware of how my pressure would affect you. I am sorry for what I did”, Seonghwa continued. The dark haired reached over the table to grab Hongjoongs hand. “If I agree on letting you show me what you’ve learned would you agree to let me make up for my mistakes too?”, the older asked.  
“Y-you really want to start again?”, Hongjoong asked, his eyes filling up with tears. “Mistakes can be forgiven”, Seonghwa said and lightly squeezed Hongjoongs hand.  
The tears finally dropped and Hongjoong felt the weight on his shoulder disappearing. He started to nod his head. He had to hold him back so he won't just lean over and kiss Seonghwa right now.  
“I promise I will make it up to you”, he said in a confident voice and smiled at him. He finally had his last puzzle piece back in place.  
They spent some more hours in the cafe, talking about their lives. The conversation was just flowing and it seemed like they never broke up in the first place.  
Before the Sun was about to set they left the cafe and walked back to where Seonghwa had parked his car.  
During the ride they continued to talk and for a split second Seonghwa had his Hand on Hongjoongs lap. Just like he always had when they were driving. It was a habit of him and Hongjoong wanted to complain when the dark haired quickly removed his hand. But he knew it wasn’t the time to complain right now.

They reached Hongjoongs apartment. Hongjoong was searching for his keys and before opening the door he turned around to look at the taller man. “It was a beautiful day Joongie”, the older said and smiled. “Thank you for meeting up with me and allowing me to tell you all these things”, Hongjoong smiled back. “You don’t have to thank me”, Seonghwa shook his head but stopped as soon as he felt the others hands on his shoulders. “I do have to thank you and I will thank you for the rest of my life. You could just have said no after all I did to you”, Hongjoong explained while looking deep into that beautiful brown eyes of Seonghwa. “I told you I made mistakes too so now stop and go into your apartment you lil dummy”, Seonghwa said with a smirk. “Hey I am no dummy”, Hongjoong removed his hands from Seonghwas shoulders just to cross his arms in front of his chest and show the latter a pout. “You’re still the cutest when you do this. Now go inside Joongie goodnight”, Seonghwa laughed. He leaned forward to give him a quick peck on his cheek and left as soon as he leaned back again. Hongjoong just stood there, his face now crimson red while he watched Seonghwa walking back to his car. “Goodnight Hwa”, he whispered.

_I have no right to love you but I still do and I will fight until you allow me to love you again._


End file.
